The Secret to My Success

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When people learn I lost 140 pounds, the next words out of their mouth are almost invariably "What's your secret?!"

The thing is, as I noted here, we all know there's no secret.

This being the number one thing I hear has made me notice who is asking. It has made me ponder their motivations for asking when they already know the answer.

If they want me to be real, I will absolutely be real. But most of them don't.

After hearing this hundreds of times and noting clear differences in intent, I have found  that people tend to be looking for one of three things.


Small Talk
Most people ask the secret to my weight loss as casually as remarking on the weather. They don't want or expect a real answer.

I could go on for some time about the fact body weight is considered a topic subject to casual discussion, but that's a rant for another day. Suffice it to say I recognize it is a factor and respond accordingly.

These insincere inquiries are easy. I can smile and say "old fashioned hard work" and they're satisfied. The generic social obligation has been met.

Reassurance
Studies indicate up to 50% of women are dieting at any given time. Which means pretty much everyone knows it's hard to lose weight.

These folks are seeking reassurance they are not alone. They seem comforted to hear it was - and is - incredibly difficult, their experience is universal, and there is nothing special about me.

Some of them need to hear this level of success is accessible to anyone who wants it badly enough. They need to know the intensity of their desire can pull them through.

But most seem to take a different tack. Hearing how hard it is, the kind of time and effort it requires, and that biology has put the odds firmly against success, removes an emotional burden.

It helps them accept a lack of progress isn't necessarily their fault.

It helps them to hear from someone who lived it that it is perfectly reasonable to put off their desire to tackle this while health or family or job pressures are too great.

And, it helps some accept there is nothing wrong with not choosing this path at all.

Whether my story helps shine a light on possibility or absolves someone of their misplaced guilt, I am glad my willingness to be honest about how hard this is helps others feel better about themselves.

Hope
The third group is special. I can usually spot them, because they were me. They are scared, they are determined, they are uncertain. They need help believing they can do it.

August 2004
253 lbs / 22 lbs lost

With these, whenever possible, I take my time. To these, I tell the emotional truth.

Sometimes they look at me, in my current incarnation, with skepticism. I show them the closest thing I have to a "before" picture to reassure them I'm not some skinny bitch blowing smoke up their ass.

They tell me they are exhausted. I tell them I was too. They tell me they are overwhelmed. I tell them I was too.

Then I tell them the real secrets to getting here. I give them the tools they need to keep hope alive.

Baby steps.
No change is too small. The smaller the change, the easier it is to assimilate. Once it feels easy, once it is no longer a change but a normal part of your life, decide what the next change will be. Keep doing that.

Forget deadlines.
Sustainable changes made in incremental steps take time to show results. Creating a new normal takes time. Don't hold yourself to arbitrary deadlines. You're working on a better forever.

Forgive yourself for being human.
One bad day doesn't mean give up. It doesn't even mean begin again. It just means we had one bad day. Don't beat yourself up. Look head. Move on.

Be kind to yourself.
This is the foundational secret that holds up all the rest. Changing how we think about ourselves is the hardest thing to do. Especially when immersed a society constantly telling us being overweight makes us less than.

You are not weak. You are not lazy. You are not failing.
You are strong. You are determined. You are valuable. You are worth it.

Most people are surprised. And intrigued. They expect me to talk about nuts and bolts. They expect a list of external factors like calorie counting apps and gym memberships.

But those aren't the secrets to success. They are merely tools we use to help us leverage the real secrets.

If there's one thing I want people to know, it's that this journey doesn't start with a fad diet and a FitBit.

It starts with believing you're worth taking care of. It starts with believing you deserve to feel good in your own skin. It starts with you believing in you.

That is the secret to my success. Changing how I felt about me. Giving myself permission to stumble. Believing that no step is too small, as long as it keeps me moving forward.


Part 2 in a (TBD, we'll see where the brain dump takes me) Part weight loss series
Read Part 1: 5 Things Never to Say To Someone Who Lost a Lot of Weight